Sex is fun - play with it
I think I kind of wrote myself into a corner with my first post. I'm afraid not all of my posts are going to be quite so carefully researched and argued, sometimes I'm just going to blather and rant about things that have caught my interest lately. This post is one of those kinds.

By the way, I shamelessly stole the title for this post from the Sex is Fun podcast, so I should say at this point that they are highly recommended. While I've only listened to a few episodes, they consistently impressed me with the accuracy of their knowledge, their open mindedness, and of course their sense of fun.

And that is what we are going to discuss here, because I think it's one of the most under talked about and under valued aspects of sexuality.

A long, long time ago, in the days before this account or anything like it existed in my life, I was bored and Googled my first name. The third hit sent me to the website of a woman in a 24/7 TPE BDSM relationship, and her website included links to hundreds of articles and resources on BDSM in general. This was my first introduction to the concept, in fact I don't think I even knew what it meant before then.^[1]

I was immediately attracted to the language used in these writings, even when I had no interest in the particular kink being described. They talked about doing 'scenes', about trying out 'roles', and the most common term they used for what they did (which is after all not exactly 'sex' as that word is traditionally used, as it doesn't necessarily involve the genitals), was 'playing'.

Even at that tender age I thought this was a pretty neat way of thinking about it. There seemed to be a sense of fun and theatricism built in to the language itself which had a great appeal to me. I loved the idea that you could just try things, that you could (in a safe environment) play with ideas and sensations and power, explore what pushes your buttons and delight in it, and then go back to normal.

I was later to discover that my reading was far from universally accepted, and it's certainly not the only way to practice BDSM (I'm in no way an expert on that) but as you can see it made an impression.

I think the idea of sex as playful is something that's just not given enough consideration in general. From the deadly serious 'if you have sex you will get pregnant and die' abstinence messages, to the columns in women's magazines that tell you exactly what positions to use, what lingerie to wear and what lines to say, to solemn soft-focus 'lovemaking'... we seem to have lost all sense of fun and experimentation and of the endlessly fascinating possibilities sex can involve. And that's a real shame.

We get a whole load of messages about what sex and sexuality should be like, but surprisingly few of them are playful. These things should turn you on, this is how normal people masturbate, the first time is painful, PIV is the ultimate expression of love and sexuality, all men like blowjobs, no women like giving them, most people have sex X times a week... these are all 1) focused on specific acts and products, reducing having a good sex life to just going through the motions, and 2) contribute to the feeling that there is an ideal sex life out there and that (most likely) yours does not fit the mold. In fact it definitely doesn't, since there are enough contradictions buried in those messages to make it actually physically impossible to fulfil them all. And yet we still get the feeling that we would be happier if we did.

This kind of pisses me off, to be blunt. Why the hell do we need these shoulds and these insecurities about sexuality? What on earth is the point, what do we gain? And what gives anyone the right to say what kind of acts and feelings and atmospheres the whole world ought to enjoy? It's such an incredibly limited view of sexuality. Just like taste in food or clothes or anything else in life, what fits one person really well is not necessarily going to work for anyone else, let alone everyone else.

I would say that the point is to find what works for you, but somehow we're scared of what that might turn out to be, and of what we might do if we admit it to ourselves. But really, why shouldn't we be free to explore what makes us feel all warm and tingly and content and satisfied? What, really, is the worst that's going to happen?

I've found this apprehension can be seen most clearly in people's attitudes to masturbation. With partner sex there's a very real fear of rejection, that you'll scare them off or bore them or otherwise not quite measure up. None of that applies when people are just alone with themselves, but that doesn't mean we drop our inhibitions as soon as we're alone in a room.

I was saddened but unsurprised to find that my recent poll in sextips showed plenty of women who don't think they're masturbating in the normal/right/correct way, even in this sex positive and informed environment^[2]. If you think about this concept with a little bit of distance, it gets really weird. Why, objectively, should it matter what people do and think about to get off when they're completely alone? I'm not talking about porn, which does in a way involve other people and an entire industry to which there are some valid objections. I'm talking about what people do with their own two hands and their fantasies, and I just can't see where the harm is in letting go and not fretting about whether they're receiving pleasure in the 'correct' or 'normal' way.

And it's weird because even very sensible and enlightened people who agree with this in principle can suddenly take objection about certain specific things. For example, a while ago I did a quick survey of people who happened to be online on my IM list at the time. I asked them what they thought of people fantasising about people they know IRL who aren't their partners. Given that this was my msn list, I was surprised at how uncomfortable people were with this idea, either of being thought of or doing the thinking. All but two people I asked thought this was unacceptable, or at least highly undesirable and should be limited as far as possible.

I think this comes from not really seeing a firm dividing line between fantasy and reality. As though they were somehow involved if someone had fantasies about them, and so this should require their consent, which I don't think is accurate. You aren't involved - their thoughts of you are. And I think this also stems from the same fear of what might happen if we relaxed and didn't police these matters. As though the force of sexuality unleashed would be enough to tear down all pretences at decent and ethical behaviour, and people would leer and grab instead of politely keeping their thoughts to themselves.

In case it's not obvious, I don't buy that this is true. And perhaps if we stopped taking ourselves so very seriously, we would give ourselves more room to have fun with our fantasies and our bodies. I think we should remember that it's something we are allowed to play with. Another thing I like about using the word 'play' is that it implies safety.

Just because something occurs to you doesn't mean you find it hot even in fantasy, let alone in real life, let alone that you have to go through with it. Your own head should be the ultimate 'safe space', in which you're allowed to do whatever you bloody well like without fear of recrimination - because in the end, you're not affecting anyone else, so objections on moral grounds just don't apply.

I'm not saying sex should always be playful. Sometimes it is solemn, or on the flip side so frantic that it doesn't have the kind of emotional distance implied by the word. But on the whole, sex is a lot more fun when it's, well, fun! If you allow yourself to try new things and think new thoughts and be completely silly and just play with it. It's a pretty ridiculous act if you stop to think about it, so I think we can all just relax a bit and just do whatever feels good instead of limiting ourselves to only a few approved types of sexual expression.

This post wanted to sprawl in several directions and I could have written a good few thousand words more about each, but I will leave it there for now. What do you guys think? Can indulging fantasies be dangerous or unhealthy? Are some thoughts better left unencouraged? Is there a correct or superior way to have sex?



[1] For those now curiously Googling: I followed her journal for quite a while after that, out of sheer curiosity and a weird sense of kinship for sharing my name, and eventually (about two years ago) the relationship disintegrated, she stopped using the name her 'master' had given her, and took the site down. Nothing to see here, move right along.

[2] Okay, that's a bit of a generalisation. 600 people have taken my poll to date, and the majority of them are not sextips regulars (there aren't that many of us!), they're just passing through. But I still think we should expect responses to be more sex positive and confident than the general population.